Fun puns and jokes

What did the Fonewearl say to the Hucast?
What is manual evasion, senpai?
 
fishhao said:
Hi, it is me. Your friendliest Nandos. With the recent amount of NEGATIVITY and EVIL ENERGY in forums, I think we need a breath of fresh air with some nice and happy puns.

You can tell the gender of an ant by placing them on water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, bouyant.

Let's be nice and limit only 1 pun a day per person :)

yours SINCEREly,
New Nandos, with a change of heart
Click to expand...

There was a man named Nandos.
Who one day got Bannedos.
Who proceeded to overdose.
On fructose and glucose.
He came close to being comatose.
And just like most, he was toast.
To you I say, adios.









And you suck at POE.
 
Every time you hear something that's sincerely false, downright misleading, or straight-up nonsense; do your part by calling Bulclaw on it because I think that's a more relevant term here than that other word that I didn't say in case someone's not thinking about it.

And remember folks, Bulclaw = Bulk + Claw or Claws in Bulk.

Discuss.
 
Here's a small mountain of bad jokes and puns... I've been saving a list on my phone, adding any new ones I hear. Fair warning, some of them might be considered a little off-color.

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Why did the turtle break up with the giraffe?
They never saw eye to eye.
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What do you call an angry coach?
A cross trainer.
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Why did the wedding planner cross the road?
To get to the other bride.
--------------------
Did you hear about the potato that's famous?
It's a YouTuber.
--------------------
What do you call a flying herd of cows?
Steaks on a plane.
--------------------
How does Spock make his favorite dessert?
With a jello mind mold.
--------------------
What do you call it when Luke Skywalker does a silent imitation of dessert?
A jello mime trick.
--------------------
What happens if Dwayne Johnson and a pig hug you at the same time?
You get stuck between The Rock and a lard place.
--------------------
Why don't lycanthropes ever know the time?
Because they're werewolves, not whenwolves.
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Why can't the butter knife ever get a date?
He's just too dull.
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Why did the super villian cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
--------------------
Why couldn't the dung beetle go to the party?
He was on DOODY.
--------------------
How many groundhogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change the bulb, and one to spend six weeks hiding from the shadows.
--------------------
Why do pirates make great singers?
The love to hit the high seas.
--------------------
What were the reasons the pirate went to the poop deck?
A bit of number one, but mostly number two.
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Mr. T pitties da foo... Chuck Norris pitties Mr. T.
--------------------
Chuck Norris once landed on Pluto. Pluto is no longer a planet.
--------------------
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars... That's why there are no signs of life.
--------------------
There is no such thing as evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live... so far.
--------------------
Where did Mister and Missus Snow Man go for their last anniversary?
Hawaii.
--------------------
Why can't you trust a softball pitcher?
They're underhanded.
--------------------
Which song by Journey is the favorite of trees?
"Don't Stop Be-LEAFin"' is the most POPLAR
--------------------
Why did the raven get kicked out of the tavern?
Because it wasn't a crow bar.
--------------------
Why is it hard to surprise Darth Vader with gifts?
He can always sense your presents.
--------------------
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
--------------------
Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they'll never meet.
--------------------
What's the opposite of irony?
Wrinkly.
--------------------
Did you heard about the dust bunny that fell in love with the broom?
It got swept off it's feet.
--------------------
Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?
They have a lot of spirit.
--------------------
Where does chocolate go when looking for a date?
A candy bar.
--------------------
I find it hard to trust mermaids... There's something fishy about them.
--------------------
What's the best part of llamas doing improv?
The spit-takes.
--------------------
What do you call a cow with epilepsy?
Beef Jerky
--------------------
What do you call a camel without a hump?
Humphrey
--------------------
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.
--------------------
What did the gymnast put on his popcorn?
Somersault
--------------------
What's the ninja's favorite section of the book store?
Stealth-help
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Why did zero start dating?
He was hoping to find the one.
--------------------
What do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAAAINS
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Why is it hard to solve a redneck murder?
The DNA is all the same, and there are no dental records.
--------------------
Why shouldn't you trust people with graph paper?
They're always plotting something.
--------------------
What do you say when you bump into a unicorn at a party?
Ouch.
--------------------
What kind of dog knows the best insults?
The BURN-ese.
--------------------
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
--------------------
Which baseball players have the shortest commute?
Catchers- they only work at home.
--------------------
Why didn't the snowman celebrate Valentine's Day?
He was afraid his heart would melt.
--------------------
What were the wishbone's last words?
"Aww, snap...!"
--------------------
Where do sea cows sleep at night?
In BARN-acles.
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A chainsaw walks into a barber shop. The barber says, "Let me guess... You want a buzz cut?"
--------------------
Why did the computer make a good surgeon?
It had a great operating system.
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What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite
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What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches
 
I wish I could like this a thousand times over. My personal favourites were:

Why shouldn't you trust people with graph paper?
They're always plotting something.

Why is it hard to solve a redneck murder?
The DNA is all the same, and there are no dental records.

and finally

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches


 
That last one is actually one of my favourites, too- and hella classic to boot. One of the unappreciated OG's of comedy, Redd Foxx told that one in his shows like... fifty years ago, lol.
 
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